04 December 2013

Ask Him the Hard Questions

Marriage takes work, and that's no cliche. It's truth. Communication in any relationship is the deciding factor to depth and longevity, but in a marital bond, communication is essential also for personal peace, family unity, and (if you have them) your children's security.

The other night, I thought my husband and I were doing great with no problems at all, so it surprised me when a seemingly normal question I posed deepened our conversation. Without intending to, I had rephrased the generic "Are you being honest with me?" to say instead: "Do I make you feel that you can be honest with me?"

The question had transformed from a pointed finger into open hands. And it invited him to speak truthfully, wholly, and unreservedly. 

It made me think of how I ask questions--how most women ask these questions. 

Do we avoid questions when we are afraid of the answers?

Do we form our words in a way to protect ourselves?

Do we interject little hints that will beg appreciation and assistance but discourage openness?

These are humbling to ponder, but what if we put aside our fears in favor of a closer relationship? I used to think that asking him "the hard questions" was putting him on the spot, keeping him accountable. (That has its place, too.) But now I'm realizing that the necessary hard questions actually point back at me and keep me accountable. 

Questions like "How can I help you more?" and "Do you know how proud of you I am?" and "Do you feel like I respect and support you?" are all open--leaving us wives vulnerable. But it's beautiful if our husbands are given freedom to express needs that we should hear, possibly even deficiencies that we trick ourselves into thinking do not exist. 

It's work, yes . . . but it's worthwhile and rewarding and right work.

Abide in Christ wherever you are,



  1. This is encouraging to read - my husband and I are just now (after almost 10 years!) asking each other the hard questions. And it has been so painful in some areas but I can see small changes (for the better) as we keep trying to be more open and accountable. Thank you for sharing this. It's a confirmation & blessing. I am glad to have found you through the Walking Redeemed link up :)


    1. I'm so glad this was an encouragement! My husband and I are also right around that 10-year mark, and these hard questions are pulling us closer together and making us stronger. It's so good, albeit difficult! Thank you for commenting and sharing your experience. :)


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